How to Drive Customer's Crazy

In honor of Memorial Day [of course I'm working today :(], here's something that made me smile and giggle:

How to Drive a Customer Crazy

•     Pretend you haven’t noticed they are there.
•     Stay in first gear, especially when they are rushing.
•     Let them overhear your personal phone call, and make no attempt to end it.
•     Open late. Close early.
•     Say “That’s not our policy.”
•     Say “That’s not my job.”
•     Say “I’m not allowed to do that.”
•     Say “I have no idea.”
•     Say “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
•     Slouch. Chew Gum. Twirl your hair between your fingers.
•     Give them a blank stare, or worse, roll your eyes.
•     Fidget distractedly. Appear bored.
•     Finish whatever other task you have at hand, while they wait for you to attend to them.
•     Talk story with other employees. Laugh at an “inside joke” they are not privy to.
•     Speak in a monotone. See how long you can go without smiling.
•     Be late for their appointment or with their reservation.
•     Take shortcuts with your service, saying “you don’t really need this part do you?”
•     Make excuses.
•     Have a quick comeback for every point they may wish to make with you.
•     Offer mechanical, routine service that is so uneventful, so ordinary, that they expect to pull a number and listen for you to call out “Next!”
•     Look at them with open disapproval or impatience.
•     Speak so softly, or in such a rush, that they need to keep asking “What was that?”
•     Give them directions so involved or confusing they have to write them down.
•     Give them “scenic” directions that take them out of their way when they really wanted a shortcut.
•     Ignore the very young and very old in the group, talking only to the ones you assume are the “responsible ones” – or the paying ones.
•     Assume that all customers are the same, and you already know what they want.

...things I learned to do in retail :)

(excepted from: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/management/how-to-drive-a-customer-crazy.html)

Hope you non-working folks are having a good day :P

Never Can Be Too Careful

Subject: getting phone

I there a chance your refurbished phone could come from someone who was a smoker, so that the phone had a smokey smell?   I'm looking for a phone for my daughter and she is hypersensitive to cigarette smoke.  Thanks

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OK, seriously... what the fuck?

I could understand if it were clothing, or something porous.... but hard plastic usually doesn't absorb smells that easily. I have personally bought used phones (and all sorts of used electronics...) and I never had a problem with smells. Hell, I'm a smoker, and I bet you $20 someone borrowing my phone would never know...

Besides, who really goes around sniffing electronics anyway??

I was really smacking my head when I read this one.

Impatient Much?

Subject: Phone shipped

send that phone i need it yesterday

************

Subject: Re: Phone shipped

Not a problem, the item will be shipping out today.

Thank you.

Customer Service


************

Subject: Re: Re: Phone shipped


thank you yea its like not having a cell phone is when you dont have a house phone you cannot get hold of anybody as we have not had a house phone for years and i need to be calling work business etc lol ok anyways thank you

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This customer placed his order right at the cutoff of orders for the day, luckily for them (~9:30-10AM).

At first glace, this just seems like an impatient customer... but think about it. If your only phone is a cell phone, and you lost/broke/whatever your phone and need one ASAP, why not buy one locally? It might cost more, but it's better than going without a phone for a few days....and then harassing the company you bought your item from to send it faster.

Just saying...

Even Criminals Need Cellphones...

I would like to buy one of your items listed for sell and was wondering if you would except a money order as my payment?let me explain I managed use bank that was under some kind of federal investigation for my annuity payments but I have gotten my annuity out of the bank and have not  another yet but I have perfect Ebay rating and am hoping you would be willing to except this form of payment form me since I have no other cards to use connected with my paypal account


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This email had no subject, and no name, strangely...

Whatever the case was, this one was definitely shady. Like the title of the post says, even criminals need cellphones. We didn't answer him back though, 'cause I'll be damned if we're investigated because of this schmuck.

I didn't know whether to laugh at or feel sorry for this customer.... but then I shrugged and LMAO! Har. You can only imagine the Bleeding Heart Sally Struthers stories I've read over the years as to why we should either drastically reduce the price on phones, or arrange for shady payment methods.

They try so hard, they really do.

I Know You're Not Open, But... #2

Subject:     Shipping?

Hey, I ordered my phone at 12:45am and got over night shipping when would it get here? and would i have to sign for it?

***********

This customer placed their order on a Sunday...! *head desk*

Overnight shipping is the bane of my existence, especially for Thursday/Friday orders. Most people don;t seem to know that UPS's overnight is next business day, so if an overnight order is placed on a Thursday/Friday, they expect it on Saturday.

Nope.

They do deliver overnight on Saturday for an extra $20-$40. Most people would balk at that (our overnight is already steep...), so we don't bother to mention it.

What pisses me off the most about my customers is how uninformed they are. I think it's an individual's duty to be an informed consumer... why would you blindly buy something without knowing what it is?? This should be true all the time, but when you're shopping online this should be mandatory.

But then again... this blog would be obsolete if that happened... or would it? I've always been of the opinion that most people are stupid, so I don't think that even with the customers being informed citizens that it would make much of a difference ;)

The Racist 'Tard Strikes Again...

Yes, he strikes again... this time with threat of (get this!) legal assistance! [wait a minute! I thought we blocked him?? WTF eBay??!??]

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Dear [eBay Seller],

look here fucker.... you had better goddamn respond to my messages ive spoken to my lawyer, and he agrees that your camel jockey ass owes me 2 free cell phones. so you need to reply for my shipping info. i await a repsonse from you before i have your ebay acct. cancelled. ive done it before, ill do it again... FUCKING RESPOND. and DO NOT relist..

- [name removed]

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My wishful reply:

Dear Dipshit,

Now seriously, why do you persist in this pointless assault? What lawyer worth his salt (and his license) would tell you such nonsense? Now you've threatened us too??!?? Well, my dear.... we're filing a claim with eBay to get your account suspended.... so I guess you'll have to get your racist kicks somewhere else.

I am oh-so tempted to put your eBay user name up... but as much as I don't like my job, I kinda need it so I won't.

I wonder how many other people you're threatened and coerced into getting free shit? Unluckily for you, I don't take this shit lightly (like my boss seems to).

People like you make me sick.

Get a life, asshole.

Love,

Deena

Burnin' Holes in Mah Pocket!

Dear [eBay Seller],

Hello! i just submitted an offer for this phone and i put together all the money i can for it so that i can send the money today. i know you are very busy so i appreciate your time and consideration very much!!! your reputation preceedes you already because i have been referred to you by your customers. anyways, there is no hurry to send it but i can pay right away as i have the money now. i am afraid that otherwise i may end up spending it on something else especially if it burns a hole in my jeans. anyways, if you accept the offer, i will pay today and it is for a RED one please. you will see the offer and will you accept a paypal payment now? you can send it the slowest and cheapest route too. or by horse and buggy works! THANK YOU again for your time and help! have a GREAT Weekend/Mother's Day/Cinco de Mayo etc! Take care! From a NY girl myself (White Plains...Brooklyn...LI; Stony Brook for some classes mostly, then CA???! Dont ask! Ha! I MISS HOME! Most Sincerely, [name removed]

- [crazy ass customer]

*************

...ooook, then. Talk about bad money management skills... and crazy, to boot. I for one am GLAD this customer has relocated, because she seems like the type to pop up here. We've had a few customers pop up here... hilarity ensues, I tell ya. Maybe another time I'll share that :P

Oh. The customer ended up buying the phone.... stay tuned, as I have a feeling we might hear back from her...

Serrious Problems

Hey!

It's been a few days.... it's been really hectic at work. Luckily for you guys, I have a whole new collection of crazies to add to the site!

Look at an email from this numbskull:

Dear [eBay seller],

look here asshole, you have plenty... you will fucking accept selling 2 of them 2 me for 99.00 each, or i'll have your goddamn green card, do you fucking understand? I hold your future in my hands because I pay taxes unlike you, fucking camel jockey. I ought to make you fucking GIVE me the phones because of that... 25.00 wont kill you, fucker. that's your only option. you WILL accept the price i offered, no more. do you understand english?

- [dumbass customer]

***************

[if you didn't catch it, the title of this post was misspelled on purpose :P]

We're selling the phones for $150 each on eBay.

Seriously? After getting an email like this, what seller WOULDN'T want to accept this awesome offer? We should be HONORED; no, PRIVILEGED to serve such an upstanding pillar of the community.

We ignored this crazy ass customer... and thought that was the end of it.

Umm, nope.

***************

Dear [eBay Seller],

so have you come to a conclusion? you gonna FUCKING give me the blackberries? my final offer is 25.00 a piece, and i expect it to be accepted. if not, you're gonna have some serrious goddamn problems.... you fucking understand me? im tired of you fucking sand niggers trying to run my country, thanks to you, tobacco prices are up as well as shitty car lots.... you fucking owe me... you got that? actualy, i expect 2 free blackberries, one red and one silver. email me and ill give you my shipping address... and no fucking letter bombs or anthrax, camel jockey...

***************

What I wish I could say:

Dear asshole:

Not only am I not accepting your offer (again), I've reported your sorry ass to eBay. I hear they don't take kindly to such behavior from people, and perhaps that's for the best. Sand nigger? Really? Well, I guess you're kind of close, as the bsuiness is owned by Jews.... but what is one nationality, race or another to an ignorant redneck like you? In regards to understanding English (please note the capitalization there!) I seem to have a better grasp of it than you do----and guess what? I'm a Black Hispanic woman! You must be floored by the news huh? I have to wonder what the Middle East has to do with tobacco and used car lots? I'm genuinely stumped by that. Don't tell me: it's a new terrorist plot! They'll open up used car lots and burn tobacco fields---that'll show those evil Americans! *eye roll*

Since we're spitting out slurs and stereotypes, why don't you go back to fucking your sister and drinking moonshine in your trailer? Perhaps the internet really isn't the best place for you after all. I would go back to shooting deer or possums for sport.

It's people like you that give America a bad name. It makes me ashamed to be a  citizen of this country, to think that you and I have the same rights! What justice is there in this world??

But I digress.

You're lucky I don't put your sorry ass on blast here (i.e your eBay username).

You're despicable, deplorable, and just plain dumb.

Have a nice life, asshole.

Blind AND Dumb

Customer: I tried placing an order and it wouldn't accept my name.
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: I filled out all of the information and it said my name was incorrect.
Me: Umm, did you type your first and last names in the appropriate boxes?
Customer: Uh, there is only one box to put the name.
Me: No, sir, there are THREE text boxes: one for the first name, a smaller box for a middle initial, and a box for your last name [side note: all of these are notated...]
Customer: well, I only see one box here.
Me: Sir, the text boxes are outlined in dark gray and each of the boxes tell you what need to be filled out.
Customer: [getting huffy]: well, I don't see it.
Me: It's there, sir. Weren't all the other boxes labeled and told you what they were for?
Customer: But not the name---- wait, I see it now. It works.
Me: Alright, anything else I can help you with sir?
Customer: Will the C810 work for AT&T?
Me: Yes, it's an unlocked phone---
Customer: well, I don't want to have to pay to extend my contract.
Me: Sir, we only sell the phones. We are not affiliated with AT&T and we don't sell service.
Customer: Well, how do I get the service on this phone?
Me: Just take the SIM card out and put it in the phone you purchase from us---
Customer:[interrupts me] I thought you said you don't sell service!
Me: We don't. I don't believe I said anything that---
Customer: [cuts me off] So I have to go to AT&T to do this?
Me: No sir. Just take your SIM card out and put it in the phone you purchase from us.
Customer: And this phone will work?
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: Can I order this over the phone?
Me: Nom sir. You can place it online.
Customer: Ok, Thanks [hangs up]

I was like, fuck this! I wasn't gonna take his order over the phone... I made him do it his damn self.

Update: He successfully placed the order later that day *smirk*

*I'm* Not One of THOSE Customers!

My company also sells phones on eBay.

I don't deal with the eBay portion of our company as much as I used to, so my coworker Elaine (who loves the blog!) kindly forwarded this to me.

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Dear [eBay Seller],

Im interested in purchasing one or two of your phones, I would like to know the condition of them please. Only due to the fact of reading some of the feedback. I know some ppl can be idiots. I would just llike to make sure of the quality. Thank you.

It's sad that a person can make this (misspelled) observation about the caliber of our customers before they even made a purchase...

I Know You're Not Open, But...

Subject:     Fw: Order [removed] shipped    

Good morning, Customer Service,

I realize this is only Monday at 12:32 a.m. for you on the east coast, but it seems like forever to me since I received a non-working cell phone.  When I speak into it, the only thing the person on the other end of the call hears is me speaking in a ghastly whisper.  Otherwise the cell phone looks beautiful, dials perfectly--but I cannot be heard!

I look forward to you response.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
[name removed]

*******

*headdesk*

(well, at least the person used interesting adjectives?)

Crazy A$$ Returns #2

This gem was sent in a normal box... but then...

Yes.

You're seeing right.

This was wrapped in a baby's skirt O__o

I didn't even wanna touch it. Eww.

Happy Friday folks :P

Hooked on Phonics?

This one of those emails I had to re-read a few times.

*******
Subject:     cell phone

I recived a non working cell phone .if you had told me that it didn?t work I would not have wasted my time.I will now have to buy one from a virison store because I cant be without my phone.I would like a full refund fore this misledding imfo about your cellphone.

*******

...yeah. What they said.

Creepy Foreign Guys are the Worst :/

Customer: Deena! Most beautiful lady! Did you get my return?
Me: Umm, and you are...?
Customer: [name edited]! Don't you remember me?
Me: Ah yes, of course! [of course I did. He was a pain in my ass since before he'd even RECEIVED his damn phone] You're inquiring about your return?
Customer: according to the tracking number, you guys received it yesterday!
Me: Oh, I'm processing returns today, so---
Customer: [cuts me off] you said you would call me as soon as you got it! Why you not call me? I was looking forward to hearing your beautiful voice. You sound tired today, did you get enough sleep? I'm just kidding, you beautiful lady who sounds like she had a good breakfast
Me:....uh, uh....
Customer: yes, yes. So when will it be processed?
Me: ...I'm processing returns today. I'll email you when it's done.
Customer: Thank you Deena! You are the most beautiful lady! God bless you, I shall hear from you soon, yes?
Me:...yeah, I'll email you when your return is processed.
Customer: Thank you! [says something in what sounds like French and hangs up]
 

Which Way Did it Go, George?

Customer: How do you place an order online?
Me: You find the phone model you're looking for, click add to cart and then select checkout.
Customer: This phones doesn;t have an "Add to Cart" button.
Me: Oh? Then it might be out of stock [side note: this happens sometimes]. Which model is it?
Customer: The Palm Cetro 690

[I looked up the model on the website]

Me: This item is in stock. I just clicked on the page, and there's the big, green "Add to Cart" button, right under the price.
Customer: I don't see it!
Me: What browser are you using, IE?
Customer: NO, mozilla firefox.
Me: That's weird, I'm using Firefox too... and I see the button.
Customer: well, it's not here on mine!
Me: Perhaps you might try refreshing your page.
Customer: Huh? How do I do that?
Me:...
Customer: oh! I got it! THERE it is! Thanks for your help!


*****

At least this one had the grace to sound embarrased.

From CS Rep to Postal Agent?

Customer: I want to know when I'm getting my phone.
Me: May I have your order number---
Customer [cuts me off]: I mailed a money order on Friday to you. When will you get it?
Me: Umm, what?
Customer [with an attitude]: when will you get the money order?
Me: Uh, ma'am, I don't know when we'll get it.
Customer: Why not?
Me: Because I don't know where you're sending it from, or how many stamps you used. First class mail can take up to 4-5 business days to reach its destination
Customer: But you're supposed to know!
Me [losing patience]: Ma'am. Once we receive your money order, we'll email you to let you know when your item is shipping.
Customer: but how long will it take?
Me: However long---- it'll take about 5 business days.
Customer: I don't know why it's taking so long. Thanks. [hangs up]

[here comes the rant]

First off, I'm NOT the post office, OK? I have no control over how long it takes for something to reach here. Secondly, if you were so concerned about how long this was going to take, you should have paid with a credit card.

Gahh. Mondays! >__<

Murderous Customer Service Agents? (I Can Dig it!)

This email is on an unusual note; this one was in response to a customer asking if she could return her merchandise after the 30 day return policy was up. She had received authorization about a week before, so I had no problem accepting it back. I emailed her to give the go-ahead and got this as a reply:


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----- Original Message -----
From: [Crazy Customer]
Subject: Re:

thank you so much. This just proves that though there are some murdering criminals out there there still are some good people. Thanks a billion


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...better than no thank you at all, I suppose.