I Order Oral Unlocked Cell Phone...

Here's a doozy for your Friday enjoyment:

*****

Subject: (no subject)

I order new v550 mot oral unlocked cell phone on6/14/10. paid 49.85 s&h 9.99 total 59.84
can't get the phone download e-mail o live gprs is not connected. The charger will not work. Plug in  something green light up states unable to charge. Only thing I can do with this phone is call and that not I paided 59..84 to do.

 thanks in advance

****
[original spelling and syntax intact... O__o]

...after the initial laughin fit, I attempted to find this customer. They put no name, no order number, and I couldn;t find their email address in my system. I emailed them back asking for this information, and have not heard back *shrugs*

No skin off my nose... one less return for me to process I guess.

The lesson folks?? No order information + bad English= FAIL

Have a good weekend!! :D

Overnight Shipping on Fridays Always Provide Entertainment...

Good afternoon!

I had a question regarding the Palm Centro your site offers capable for Verizon Wireless...

I wanted to know if I would have to update my Verizon plan to include Data. This isn't a problem, I just didn't know how that would work when I received the phone as far as updating went. Also, if I order the phone on Friday morning and pay for overnight shipping, will the phone definitely be at my house by Saturday evening
even though Saturday technically isn't a business day?

If someone could please respond to this today before I order tomorrow, that would be
much appreciated. Or, if it's easier, you can call me at the number provided below. Thanks so much for your time!

****

Well, he was well spoken, I'll give him that much credit.

But you answered your own fucking question.... NO NO NO. If Saturdays becomes a business day (Goddess forbid!!) then you'll get it on Saturday. Until then, Next Business Day (on a Friday) means MONDAY. Also, the listing states that Verizon will NOT activate the item without a data plan, so what do you think that means??? YES you'll have to upgrade to a data plan!!!!

OMGWTFBBQ FUCKING LEARN HOW TO READ COMPREHENSIVELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuckers.

Broken Record Much? Or, "Did You Even Read My Damn Reply??!??"

Subject: BB 9530

I purchased a Blackberry Storm 9530 from you was told it had a 1 year warrenty. I needed to talk to someone in regards to getting a replacement due to the phone jack not working..I can't use my ear peice while in the car. Can anyone help me.. My name is [name removed]... Thankyou...

*****

 Dear customer:

 We only offer a 30 day return policy. An extended warranty can be purchased from
SquareTrade, a third party company who sells warranties for our products.

 Thank you,

Customer Service

*****


Subject: RE: FEEDBACK: BB 9530

If you check your records I believe I had a extened warrenty for 2 years
in which i payed for..  Do you have the warrty info...

*****

Dear Customer:

If you purchased a warranty, you'll have to contact SquareTrade for assistance, as they are a third party company and we are not affiliated with them.

Thank you,

Customer Service

*****


Can you send me the membership ID number for the warranty that
I purchased thru your company so I can file a claim with the warrenty
company..  My name is [name and number removed]

*****

....there are no words.

How Rude! (Indeed...)

Subject: RE: New Coupon Codes!

I ORDERED A PHONE FROM YOU, BUT I DID NOT GET MY 5.00 DISCOUNT. PLEASE CHECK INTO THIS AND LET ME KNOW WHY. [name and address removed]

*****

Dear customer:

If you had a promotional code, you were supposed to use it while placing the order. It does not come off automatically.

Thank you,

Customer Service

*****

Subject: RE: New Coupon Codes!

HOW RUDE. Dont you think I tried that? It wouldnt work for me, thats why I emailed you so that you could deduct the five dollars there where you take my money. You sent me an email with the discounts and offers, yet when I tried to apply this to my purchase it would not work. This was the second phone I had bought from you, however it will now be my last. If this is how you treat your customers, I will not buy from you again.

*******

I checked her order, and she ended up buying a phone that was less than $50 (you have to but a phone for at least $50 for the coupon code to have worked, you see...), which is why the code didn't work.  And yes, the insert and email clearly states the price limitation. But do these customers ever fucking read? *ahem*

I need your opinion, dear readers.... was I being rude?? I don't think I was being rude, but I may be mistaken.... ok, maybe I was a little bit abrasive. 

I am just tired of these dumb ass questions... the coupon codes are always a pain in the ass---especially when we have special promotions. There's a dark grey bar in the shopping cart of the site. Most people see it and it's no problem... but you know there always has to be some dumbasses to not see it and make my life a living hell. For goddess' sake, our "add to cart" is a big, bright green button in every listing and without fail (at least once a day!!) I get an email or phone call asking if an item is in stock because they don;t see how to add it to their cart!!!

I need a vacation.

I Want ALL Me Money Back!!

Yes, it's been awhile... not to worry, I have been saving up stuff for the site! I have some dowtime at work right now, so I can post more often (yayyyy!)

For today's gem: a two hour email volley!

**************


Subject: Order shipped

HI I ordered a cell phone almost 2 weeks ago. I still haven't recieved my phone, it says it is in New York again, and I am in Chicago.  I tracked it and it was at post office in chicago a few days ago, I just want to know whats going on if i dont get my phone in a few days i  want a refund!!!!!!!!!!! Im very pissed off and I will not tell anyone to get phones from you guys!

*****

Dear customer:

According to the tracking information, USPS had a problem with your address, so the item is being mailed back to us. Once we receive it, we will issue a refund.

Thank you,

Customer Service


*****

Subject: Re: Order shipped

Cant you just resend it to me? My address again is 1930 w 183rd st Unit 2 Homewood IL 60430.   What was the problem with my address?

*****

Dear customer:

We are not certain; that's the information USPS said about the tracking number. We'll know more once we receive the package back.

If you want it reshipped, there is a fee for this, as we sent it to the address as you confirmed.

Thank you,

Customer Service

*****

Subject: Re: Order shipped

That is bullshit no i dont want you to send me the phone im not paying for anything else i want my money back and im calling the Better Business Bureau  and reporting this!!! I think this is a scam, i better get ALL me money back get rid of all my information!!! I knew i shouldn't have trusted you guys enough to send you money!!! I am very pissed off and i am going to write things all over the Internet and tell people how you guys are just a big scam!!!!!! Oh and I get things sent to my house from the internet all the time so there is nothing wrong with my address i think that is part of your scam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You will be receiving emails from me untill i get ALL my money back!!!!!!!!! And ill be calling!!!! 

***************

The customer called (of course!) shortly thereafter... turns out she transposed the numbers in her street address.... luckily for her it wasn't an address that existed and they sent it back to us. She ended up paying the re-ship fee and I haven't heard from her since *whew*

What an Awesome Boss!

Dear [eBay seller] ,

Received charger and the battery. Thanks.

I need to get an RMA for two phones. These were charged with multiple chargers and the batteries were changed out of both phones. They both will charge intermittently regardless of the charger and battery used. Even if they show a full charge, they will both die within three hours of disconnection from the charger with no usage at all. I am sure that you checked your phones for proper operation as they will operate for long enough to pass a quality check.

These were both issued to the same employee and he has annoyed me to the point that I thought about just laying him off so it would go away. Instead I took the phones and charged them myself with my charger and saw both of them 'die' within two hours of disconnection from the charger with no phone calls made. The real odd thing is the other two phones I issued have worked beautifully. Please give RMA and I will return for evaluation.

***********

Well, at least he was well spoken?

It's rare to get an intelligent customer who types well and isn't angry about a return that has to be made---for a multiple item return, even! There is a Return God, after all!! :D

Maybe he was joking about the employee... we should hope so. But in these tough times, I guess employers just need a damn excuse to fire people.... guess that makes me lucky, huh? //sarcasm

I'll Make an Offer I Might Refuse...

In our eBay store, we accept user-submitted offers for our phones. We mostly get reasonable offers (~$5 of the Buy it Now price). One time I got a $100 offer on a phone we were selling for $150. The customer calls us up.

Customer: I made an offer and I'd like to cancel it please?

Me: OK, no problem. Do you have the item number? [she gives me the number and I look up the item.] Oh, the phone is for $150, so we wouldn't have accepted that offer anyway.

Customer: Yeah? Well, the offer I made was too high... I wanted to put $10, but I typed an extra zero by mistake

Me: ....I see. Well, we only take up to $5 less than the asking price for our offers.

Customer: Then why bother to have the option to make an offer if tou won't accept mine??!?

Me:....

...yeah. The standard caliber of our customers, no surprise there right?

But we got this note in an offer recently I thought I might share:

Offer price: US $54.00 [The phone was for $74.99]

Message to seller: warning!!!!!!!!! I may decide I don't want this phone! Can you extend the time of when it delays? If I do decide I want one I may not have the money at that time but, I could get it soon.


Really?

Really?!??

If you don't have the money, don't bid. I understand shit happens (hell, I've personally had to retract offers on eBay 'cause I was broke) but stating up front that you might not have the money/want the phone? Even if they would have made a reasonable offer, we would have declined it based on the note alone.

What a dope.

Wont Refund? I'm Calling My Loyer!

Subject: Order [number removed] : refund

Sir,, if you guys wont refund my money then send me a cellphone that work with MMS
or my loyer will contact you directly. thank in Advance

******

I was ROFLMAO when I got this one.

This customer bought an unlocked phone. Unlocked phones (not being specific to a carrier) usually have to be programmed with internet and MMS (multimedia messaging service) settings, as those are not stored on the SIM when you switch phones.

The customer could have done this to find that out.

But I digress. How may emails have I ranted about the settings issue already??!??

I was more annoyed about the misspelling of 'lawyer' than I was about the settings issue...

The settings issue is old hat, after all.

Thank in advance! :P

Halp! or, "I Should Go to the Vet Instead"

In the 2+ years I've been working at my company, I've heard all sorts of excuses as to why people are buying a used/refurbed phone from us.

• Fell in the pool/toilet/other water accidents. This seems to be the top category, especially in the summer. I've heard old men speak of rocky boats on fishing trips, new mothers and baby baths and (of course) being drunkenly thrown into pools with all of their clothes on (I've heard that twice!)
• Children. #2 reason.... sometimes involved with the above reason too. Children are so destructive! They lose/break their cell phones and expect mommy and daddy to produce a new one like yesterday 'cause they would die without being able to text and keep up with whatever young people do (quote from a customer). 
• Theft. A lot of people have their phones stolen; I had one customer claim her phone was stolen by a security guard at a mall (?!?), plenty from lockers at work and school, and some car break-ins. 

But here's a new one (for me, at least):

Subject: no new contract, replace phone, How?

dog ate phone. need a phone that works with existing contract. What do I have to do?

....

My first thought: why are you worrying about a new phone when you should be at the vet getting the phone out of the dog??!?? The battery could explode in his poor tummy...

I really hope this customer was lying.

Umm No, That's Not Us #1

Every once in a while (for whatever reason), we get emails and phone calls from people who think we're phone companies... I usually get Sprint or Verizon. It never fails to irk me... how dumb can you be that you cannot see the webpage you got the number from doesn't say whatever phone service you're looking for? Furthermore, don't you have your company's number?? Most companies give you a shortened number you can call for free from your handset (e.g T-mob's is 611) or you can get their toll-free number from your bill.

With this in mind, here is the first in a series:


Subject: urgent
To whom  it may concern  dear  t mobile  people  my phone# is XXX-XXX-XXXX give me
reason why my service been cut off [STUPID CUSTOMER]

Really?

Now, if your service is cut off, I can sort of understand why you might try to email. BUT keeping in mind that you can call your carrier for free whether or not your service is active undermines that.

Einstein was right... there really is no overestimating human stupidity.

You Guys Suck and, and---DIE!!!

Ever heard of ResellerRatings.com? If not, you should check it out. 

It's a site where you can rate different websites and comment on service, efficiency, etc.

Our averaged score: 7.89. 

Shocking really. 

I'll freely admit it, we sell shitty phones. I mean, not ALL of them are shitty, but our rate of returns is higher than 10%. 

Anywho, I get a notification whenever a customer posts a rating. I got this gem in this morning and thought I'd share:

"this company sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not buy from here unless you want your purchase to be your new paperweight.  

My phone doesnt work that I bought. No reception, no signal.

How bout a refund?  Nope, they dont do refunds.  Only trades when you pay for the

shipping both ways.  I can almost buy another phone for the shipping costs.

This stupid company needs to be shut down and the owners SHOT!"

A little extreme, don't you think? Shit... I've been angry dealing with companies before, but I would never write such a thing about them. That shows your maturity/sanity level right there. If I was another customer reading that, it wouldn't deter me from buying from that company... I'd think it was an asshole disgruntled customer and still give the company a chance. 

This review didn't get posted successfully because the person didn't provide a valid order number [one thing about RR I like; they make sure it's a real customer and not some wanker trying to be an asshole] but I bet you dollars to donuts the fucker never:

1. tried to contact us. If they would have, they would have known that we accept returns within 30 days of purchase, which leads me to...
2. Read the damn website. We clearly state that we have a 30 day return policy AND we don't cover return postage to us in the event of a return.
3. Contacted their service provider. Most problems of the sort s/he said they were having are carrier issues that can be resolved without returning the phone.

I swear I'll never understand these Crazy ass customers....

What's up?/You're Right...

Subject: u6 pebl (orange)

Sent: Sat, July 24, 2010

I ordered the phone over a week ago, what's up?  I never got an acknowledgement with an order number.

[stupid customer]

RE: u6 pebl (orange)

Dear customer:

Please respond with an order number (can be found on original shipping

label, or in any automated email from us. It looks like: XXXXXXXXX),

the email address used to make the purchase, and your full name.

This will enable us to better assist you.

Thanks,

Customer Service

Re:  u6 pebl (orange)

 I never got an
acknowledgement with
an order number

[stupid customer]

 note: His email was formatted like this. I don't know why....

Yeah… I looked for him by name and found his order (which was placed on Monday of this week, mind you):

RE: u6 pebl (orange)

Dear customer:

We have shipped your item via and It takes 2-4 business days for you to receive it from then. You can track this by visiting www.usps.com or by simply googling the above number. Bare in mind this is a delivery confirmation number and may only update once delivered to your location or state.

Thank You

Customer Service

Subject: Re: u6 pebl (orange)

Bad News.

I had ordered this over a week ago.  When I sent a follow-up inquiry we weren't able to align our information.

So I figured the order hadn't gone through and I ordered another one which was shipped yesterday.

Now I'll have 2 (presuming they both arrive.

Not happy about that.

[stupid customer]

RE: u6 pebl (orange)

Dear customer:

That was the only order you had in our system, which was made on Monday.

Thank you,

Customer Service

RE: u6 pebl (orange)

Sorry, you're right and I was wrong.  Somehow or other my order a week ago for the orange phone never got processed; I was afraid I was going to get two phones.

Thanx

[stupid customer]

Gone in 30 Minutes...

hello,

my name  is [Name removed]  i received my phone Wednesday 5-19-2010. i was very happy to see it in the mail box that soon. thank you!  when i opened the box i did not see any book to understand or explain  the phone to me, or any other papers to help me get started....i tried for about 30 minutes just to get it to come on, but was very unsuccessful in that area. so the happy is gone now .    is there some one that can help me in my frustration to get me happy with  my new investment.  please HELP me!!!!!!! my number is [number removed] on my old phone   thanks!  

[Name Removed]

************

Capitalization/punctuation was kept as is.

This customer ended up calling the next day after we got this email. As one might (accurately) predict, there was nothing wrong with the phone. He was pressing the End button to turn on the phone... this model had a dedicated power button...("these damn things... I get used to my other phone turning on this way I didn't think to check for another button!") I sent him a .pdf of the manual and he went on his way happily.

Old people and technology are so cute!! :P

I Wanna Shitch My Phone

Subject: return my phone

I wish to return this phone is very bulky, and out of date if it cannot be returned
I would rather shitch it for a black berry this phone takes for ever just to get it
to turn on it is very heavy and not ser friendly not at all what I expected

******************

....Yeah.

Dear customer:

Well, if you don't know proper spelling/syntax/punctuation/grammer, how the hell do you know the phone is out of date??? Especially since the phone is "not ser friendly" to you? You bought a phone that is less than two years old... that's as modern as most of out phones go.You think a more "modern" phone would be better for you? Nah, I think you should keep what you have. You'd be better off with a simple phone like a RAZR (or if you're old, a Jitterbug). Leave the Blackberrys and smartphones for people who can actually *use* them :P

Love,

Deena

Insipid Life, Complete with Run-ons!

I am so upset ,because life without a phone wich works can be insipid it is necessary and I demand my money back the poorly made product you sold me soon failed after its arrival, I cannot expresse the feelings of disapointment I feel at the moment I feel as if this is a scam I was hoping much more from your site,
[Name Removed]

****************
I was dying when I read this. Turns out this customer bought an Alltel phone when their service is AT&T. Thia happens all the time; I'm not sure if they mis-click the link, or just think that the name looks similar... I have no clue.

In any case {lemme school ya real quick], Alltel is a CDMA provider. CDMA providers (like Verizon/Alltel, and Sprint) require programming for the item to be hooked up to a customer's account. AT&T is a GSM carrier. They use a smart chip called a SIM card to activate service in a phone. GSM is more convenient because you can switch phones at anytime without having to contact your provider.

So you can see why this bereft customer cannot use their phone... it just ain't compatible.

I was shocked this one used such a $2 word as "insipid"... but it looks like they used a thesaurus... the rest of the email doesn't fit with the erudite word. Insipid is a word that describes most of my customers to a "T". Mayhap I should start using it more; especially in random emails to Customer Service reps.

Isn't it cute when they try to be smart?!?

If I Kiss Your Ass, Can I Return These Items?

Dear Customer Service,

Thank you so much for getting these phones to me so quickly.  You are awesome!!
Well done.

I on the other hand seem to have screwed up.  I did not read the fine print and
assumed that at the price shown that that I was purchasing just the phone.  Well I
made an ass out of myself.  IDtenT.
I inadvertently ordered 3 too many wall chargers for my phones.  Is there any
recourse, any way to return these?  This is totally my error; but $30 is almost
another phone!  Please advise me on what is the best thing to do.

Thank you for your excellent service and for your time and efforts on my behalf.

Take care,
[name removed]
"There is no right way to do a wrong thing"

*************************
That is exactly the way I got the email; the formatting is the same and everything.

Oookay, then.

In the listing for each phone, it clearly states that the phones come with (at minimum) the phone, charger, and battery. Most people who sell used phones sell them with these necessary accessories.

The common problem with my customers? They don't fucking READ. If this customer would have taken 30 seconds out of his time to just even SKIM the goddamn listing, he would have seen a bulleted list (in bold!) with what came with the phone.

At least he had the decency to be polite (and funny!)... aaaand a little ass kissing never hurts either :P

Back to the Future? [Update!]

Let me say that I am so so sorry I sent this e-mail to the company I had purchased a phone from not you.  Again please accept my apology. Unfortunatly the other company is not reputable and I am more than happy to tell you there name. [company name removed].

[Customer name removed]

*****************

LOL I figured it was something of the sort... otherwise, it would have been some kind of fraud or Goddess knows what. Look before you type, dammit *smh*

Apologetic Customer #1

Deena,

Thank you for talking to me, and I know I am getting on your nerves (I am sorry), I know you want me out of your hair.  I do appreciate your customer service.  Thak you and have a blessed day.

[Name removed]

***********
LOL this customer had been emailing every day since she returned her damn phone. I processed her return as soon as I came across it and even emailed her to let her know so she could leave me alone... and then I got this gem from her.

At least she knew she was being a pest and apologized for it :P

Uh, What?

This is an excerpt from our Return Request form. I usually send this to the customers that send me one-liners ("I need to return my phone.") with no information whatsoever--- no name/other identifying information or reason for return.

******************

9.  Please tell in great detail what the specific problem is. Most of the time, problems can be solved through troubleshooting and clearing up misunderstandings: . > Unfortionatly when my phone got chared and I knew it had power I threw away the Box that it came in.I didnt even get a chance to activated it before this happened. I would appreciated very much if you could help me with my problem. thank you very much.

*****************

OK, first of all, you didn't even answer the damn question. What is the problem? I didn't ask you for the shipping box... why the hell would I? Most people throw away the box when they get an item... if that's what your problem is, you don't need my help at all.

Second of all... what is chared? I am curious... I'm taking a stab in the dark to guess you meant "charge".
Yeah, I made this customer re-fill out the form, stating there was no clear reason for return.

I'm waiting for the reply with bated breath.

Buyer's Remose

(no subject)

I was referred to your website by an account representative from Sprint.  My husband needed a new phone and did not want to re-sign a contract.  He wanted a smart phone that he could use to link his business software to.  We ordered this phone for him thinking that it would be perfect.  When we got it, we realized that it is FAR too large to suit his needs and it will not link to his office software.  He used it for a few days and has given up on the idea of trying to get it to work for him.  He would just like to pick out a different phone that he can at least fit into his pocket.  We didn’t realize that this phone was from 2003 and would be so large since it is referred to as “new” on the website. We are not asking for a refund, we would just like to send the phone back and pick out another style that might suit his needs better.  And on a different note, if we had known that there would be a chance our request would be “denied” when there is a banner at the top of your website stating 30-day Return Policy, we would never have bought from this site in the first place.  To me that is very unethical and underhanded.

**********************

I love how people only read the return information after they've bought something, and then they wanna bitch about it. What's the point? Furthermore, people like this customer are the reason for the disclaimer if your return request is honored... that and the people who want to return items after like two months.

People need to be informed consumers... I cannot stress this enough. I would never buy anything blindly (with the exception of yarn; worst case scenario, I can sell/give it away with no issues). Electronics especially. If you were looking for a particularly sized phone:

1. Read the specifications. They tell you the exact dimensions of the phone
2. Do a Google search. Not only can you read what other people thought of the phone, but you can probably find a picture showing its actual size.

Just plain ignorance... and these ignorant fucks are the first ones to start complaining about things. I'll never understand it.

Back to the Future?

Subject: Cell phone I purchased   
Date:     Wed, May 26, 2010 21:09

I am not disappointed I am furious that you would sell a phone to me as 4.5 out of
5. This phone is junk! The back plate is a different color than the phone and it
doesn't even fit.  That is really great. My 3 year old child could figure out they
don't match.  I just wasted $75.00 and should have known better then to buy
something without seeing it. I would expect a FULL refund including pastage. If that
doesn't work for you then I will just call my bank and tell them this story and ask
them to reverse the charges.  I wish there was a website to rate you you can only
guess what my rating would be. There might be some people who don't mind keeping
their phone together with tape. I am not one of them.

***************************

Sounds like a standard complaint email, right?

Well...

This customer purchased the phone on the day she's complaining... meaning that short of teleportation, there is no possible way she could have received it yet. I did check to see if she had ever purchased another phone from us (nope. And even if she had, with this level of unhappiness, why would she re-order another phone??!??)

So I sent the following:

***************************

Dear customer:

According to the tracking information for your order, you haven't received
it yet, so I am a little confused about your email.

This order was placed on Wednesday, May 26 and was shipped out yesterday.
It's still in transit:

Label/Receipt Number: [removed]
Class: Priority Mail®
Service(s): Delivery Confirmation™
Status: Processed through Sort Facility

Your item was processed through and left our BETHPAGE, NY 11714 facility
on May 27, 2010. The item is currently in transit to the destination.
Information, if available, is updated periodically throughout the day.
Please check again later.

If you don't want your order, you can return it. Just let me know when you
receive it.

Thank you,

Deena


***************************

I have a feeling I'll be hearing back from this nutjob soon...

New Technology is a Killer...

Customer: I saw some of your phones on eBay I'd like to purchase.
Me: I'm sorry sir. You'll have to purchase the items through eBay.
Customer: Oh... I see. I can't purchase it over the phone with you?
Me: no sir, you have to pay for the items through eBay.
Customer: But I don't know any of the codes to get in!
Me:....
Customer: I guess I'll have to get one of my kids to do it for me. This new technology kills me!
Me:...Not a problem sir, have a good day.

***********

Old people and technology... always a disaster waiting to happen *smh*

How to Drive Customer's Crazy

In honor of Memorial Day [of course I'm working today :(], here's something that made me smile and giggle:

How to Drive a Customer Crazy

•     Pretend you haven’t noticed they are there.
•     Stay in first gear, especially when they are rushing.
•     Let them overhear your personal phone call, and make no attempt to end it.
•     Open late. Close early.
•     Say “That’s not our policy.”
•     Say “That’s not my job.”
•     Say “I’m not allowed to do that.”
•     Say “I have no idea.”
•     Say “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
•     Slouch. Chew Gum. Twirl your hair between your fingers.
•     Give them a blank stare, or worse, roll your eyes.
•     Fidget distractedly. Appear bored.
•     Finish whatever other task you have at hand, while they wait for you to attend to them.
•     Talk story with other employees. Laugh at an “inside joke” they are not privy to.
•     Speak in a monotone. See how long you can go without smiling.
•     Be late for their appointment or with their reservation.
•     Take shortcuts with your service, saying “you don’t really need this part do you?”
•     Make excuses.
•     Have a quick comeback for every point they may wish to make with you.
•     Offer mechanical, routine service that is so uneventful, so ordinary, that they expect to pull a number and listen for you to call out “Next!”
•     Look at them with open disapproval or impatience.
•     Speak so softly, or in such a rush, that they need to keep asking “What was that?”
•     Give them directions so involved or confusing they have to write them down.
•     Give them “scenic” directions that take them out of their way when they really wanted a shortcut.
•     Ignore the very young and very old in the group, talking only to the ones you assume are the “responsible ones” – or the paying ones.
•     Assume that all customers are the same, and you already know what they want.

...things I learned to do in retail :)

(excepted from: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/management/how-to-drive-a-customer-crazy.html)

Hope you non-working folks are having a good day :P

Never Can Be Too Careful

Subject: getting phone

I there a chance your refurbished phone could come from someone who was a smoker, so that the phone had a smokey smell?   I'm looking for a phone for my daughter and she is hypersensitive to cigarette smoke.  Thanks

****************

OK, seriously... what the fuck?

I could understand if it were clothing, or something porous.... but hard plastic usually doesn't absorb smells that easily. I have personally bought used phones (and all sorts of used electronics...) and I never had a problem with smells. Hell, I'm a smoker, and I bet you $20 someone borrowing my phone would never know...

Besides, who really goes around sniffing electronics anyway??

I was really smacking my head when I read this one.

Impatient Much?

Subject: Phone shipped

send that phone i need it yesterday

************

Subject: Re: Phone shipped

Not a problem, the item will be shipping out today.

Thank you.

Customer Service


************

Subject: Re: Re: Phone shipped


thank you yea its like not having a cell phone is when you dont have a house phone you cannot get hold of anybody as we have not had a house phone for years and i need to be calling work business etc lol ok anyways thank you

************

This customer placed his order right at the cutoff of orders for the day, luckily for them (~9:30-10AM).

At first glace, this just seems like an impatient customer... but think about it. If your only phone is a cell phone, and you lost/broke/whatever your phone and need one ASAP, why not buy one locally? It might cost more, but it's better than going without a phone for a few days....and then harassing the company you bought your item from to send it faster.

Just saying...

Even Criminals Need Cellphones...

I would like to buy one of your items listed for sell and was wondering if you would except a money order as my payment?let me explain I managed use bank that was under some kind of federal investigation for my annuity payments but I have gotten my annuity out of the bank and have not  another yet but I have perfect Ebay rating and am hoping you would be willing to except this form of payment form me since I have no other cards to use connected with my paypal account


*****************
This email had no subject, and no name, strangely...

Whatever the case was, this one was definitely shady. Like the title of the post says, even criminals need cellphones. We didn't answer him back though, 'cause I'll be damned if we're investigated because of this schmuck.

I didn't know whether to laugh at or feel sorry for this customer.... but then I shrugged and LMAO! Har. You can only imagine the Bleeding Heart Sally Struthers stories I've read over the years as to why we should either drastically reduce the price on phones, or arrange for shady payment methods.

They try so hard, they really do.

I Know You're Not Open, But... #2

Subject:     Shipping?

Hey, I ordered my phone at 12:45am and got over night shipping when would it get here? and would i have to sign for it?

***********

This customer placed their order on a Sunday...! *head desk*

Overnight shipping is the bane of my existence, especially for Thursday/Friday orders. Most people don;t seem to know that UPS's overnight is next business day, so if an overnight order is placed on a Thursday/Friday, they expect it on Saturday.

Nope.

They do deliver overnight on Saturday for an extra $20-$40. Most people would balk at that (our overnight is already steep...), so we don't bother to mention it.

What pisses me off the most about my customers is how uninformed they are. I think it's an individual's duty to be an informed consumer... why would you blindly buy something without knowing what it is?? This should be true all the time, but when you're shopping online this should be mandatory.

But then again... this blog would be obsolete if that happened... or would it? I've always been of the opinion that most people are stupid, so I don't think that even with the customers being informed citizens that it would make much of a difference ;)

The Racist 'Tard Strikes Again...

Yes, he strikes again... this time with threat of (get this!) legal assistance! [wait a minute! I thought we blocked him?? WTF eBay??!??]

********************

Dear [eBay Seller],

look here fucker.... you had better goddamn respond to my messages ive spoken to my lawyer, and he agrees that your camel jockey ass owes me 2 free cell phones. so you need to reply for my shipping info. i await a repsonse from you before i have your ebay acct. cancelled. ive done it before, ill do it again... FUCKING RESPOND. and DO NOT relist..

- [name removed]

****************

My wishful reply:

Dear Dipshit,

Now seriously, why do you persist in this pointless assault? What lawyer worth his salt (and his license) would tell you such nonsense? Now you've threatened us too??!?? Well, my dear.... we're filing a claim with eBay to get your account suspended.... so I guess you'll have to get your racist kicks somewhere else.

I am oh-so tempted to put your eBay user name up... but as much as I don't like my job, I kinda need it so I won't.

I wonder how many other people you're threatened and coerced into getting free shit? Unluckily for you, I don't take this shit lightly (like my boss seems to).

People like you make me sick.

Get a life, asshole.

Love,

Deena

Burnin' Holes in Mah Pocket!

Dear [eBay Seller],

Hello! i just submitted an offer for this phone and i put together all the money i can for it so that i can send the money today. i know you are very busy so i appreciate your time and consideration very much!!! your reputation preceedes you already because i have been referred to you by your customers. anyways, there is no hurry to send it but i can pay right away as i have the money now. i am afraid that otherwise i may end up spending it on something else especially if it burns a hole in my jeans. anyways, if you accept the offer, i will pay today and it is for a RED one please. you will see the offer and will you accept a paypal payment now? you can send it the slowest and cheapest route too. or by horse and buggy works! THANK YOU again for your time and help! have a GREAT Weekend/Mother's Day/Cinco de Mayo etc! Take care! From a NY girl myself (White Plains...Brooklyn...LI; Stony Brook for some classes mostly, then CA???! Dont ask! Ha! I MISS HOME! Most Sincerely, [name removed]

- [crazy ass customer]

*************

...ooook, then. Talk about bad money management skills... and crazy, to boot. I for one am GLAD this customer has relocated, because she seems like the type to pop up here. We've had a few customers pop up here... hilarity ensues, I tell ya. Maybe another time I'll share that :P

Oh. The customer ended up buying the phone.... stay tuned, as I have a feeling we might hear back from her...

Serrious Problems

Hey!

It's been a few days.... it's been really hectic at work. Luckily for you guys, I have a whole new collection of crazies to add to the site!

Look at an email from this numbskull:

Dear [eBay seller],

look here asshole, you have plenty... you will fucking accept selling 2 of them 2 me for 99.00 each, or i'll have your goddamn green card, do you fucking understand? I hold your future in my hands because I pay taxes unlike you, fucking camel jockey. I ought to make you fucking GIVE me the phones because of that... 25.00 wont kill you, fucker. that's your only option. you WILL accept the price i offered, no more. do you understand english?

- [dumbass customer]

***************

[if you didn't catch it, the title of this post was misspelled on purpose :P]

We're selling the phones for $150 each on eBay.

Seriously? After getting an email like this, what seller WOULDN'T want to accept this awesome offer? We should be HONORED; no, PRIVILEGED to serve such an upstanding pillar of the community.

We ignored this crazy ass customer... and thought that was the end of it.

Umm, nope.

***************

Dear [eBay Seller],

so have you come to a conclusion? you gonna FUCKING give me the blackberries? my final offer is 25.00 a piece, and i expect it to be accepted. if not, you're gonna have some serrious goddamn problems.... you fucking understand me? im tired of you fucking sand niggers trying to run my country, thanks to you, tobacco prices are up as well as shitty car lots.... you fucking owe me... you got that? actualy, i expect 2 free blackberries, one red and one silver. email me and ill give you my shipping address... and no fucking letter bombs or anthrax, camel jockey...

***************

What I wish I could say:

Dear asshole:

Not only am I not accepting your offer (again), I've reported your sorry ass to eBay. I hear they don't take kindly to such behavior from people, and perhaps that's for the best. Sand nigger? Really? Well, I guess you're kind of close, as the bsuiness is owned by Jews.... but what is one nationality, race or another to an ignorant redneck like you? In regards to understanding English (please note the capitalization there!) I seem to have a better grasp of it than you do----and guess what? I'm a Black Hispanic woman! You must be floored by the news huh? I have to wonder what the Middle East has to do with tobacco and used car lots? I'm genuinely stumped by that. Don't tell me: it's a new terrorist plot! They'll open up used car lots and burn tobacco fields---that'll show those evil Americans! *eye roll*

Since we're spitting out slurs and stereotypes, why don't you go back to fucking your sister and drinking moonshine in your trailer? Perhaps the internet really isn't the best place for you after all. I would go back to shooting deer or possums for sport.

It's people like you that give America a bad name. It makes me ashamed to be a  citizen of this country, to think that you and I have the same rights! What justice is there in this world??

But I digress.

You're lucky I don't put your sorry ass on blast here (i.e your eBay username).

You're despicable, deplorable, and just plain dumb.

Have a nice life, asshole.

Blind AND Dumb

Customer: I tried placing an order and it wouldn't accept my name.
Me: What do you mean?
Customer: I filled out all of the information and it said my name was incorrect.
Me: Umm, did you type your first and last names in the appropriate boxes?
Customer: Uh, there is only one box to put the name.
Me: No, sir, there are THREE text boxes: one for the first name, a smaller box for a middle initial, and a box for your last name [side note: all of these are notated...]
Customer: well, I only see one box here.
Me: Sir, the text boxes are outlined in dark gray and each of the boxes tell you what need to be filled out.
Customer: [getting huffy]: well, I don't see it.
Me: It's there, sir. Weren't all the other boxes labeled and told you what they were for?
Customer: But not the name---- wait, I see it now. It works.
Me: Alright, anything else I can help you with sir?
Customer: Will the C810 work for AT&T?
Me: Yes, it's an unlocked phone---
Customer: well, I don't want to have to pay to extend my contract.
Me: Sir, we only sell the phones. We are not affiliated with AT&T and we don't sell service.
Customer: Well, how do I get the service on this phone?
Me: Just take the SIM card out and put it in the phone you purchase from us---
Customer:[interrupts me] I thought you said you don't sell service!
Me: We don't. I don't believe I said anything that---
Customer: [cuts me off] So I have to go to AT&T to do this?
Me: No sir. Just take your SIM card out and put it in the phone you purchase from us.
Customer: And this phone will work?
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: Can I order this over the phone?
Me: Nom sir. You can place it online.
Customer: Ok, Thanks [hangs up]

I was like, fuck this! I wasn't gonna take his order over the phone... I made him do it his damn self.

Update: He successfully placed the order later that day *smirk*

*I'm* Not One of THOSE Customers!

My company also sells phones on eBay.

I don't deal with the eBay portion of our company as much as I used to, so my coworker Elaine (who loves the blog!) kindly forwarded this to me.

********************

Dear [eBay Seller],

Im interested in purchasing one or two of your phones, I would like to know the condition of them please. Only due to the fact of reading some of the feedback. I know some ppl can be idiots. I would just llike to make sure of the quality. Thank you.

It's sad that a person can make this (misspelled) observation about the caliber of our customers before they even made a purchase...

I Know You're Not Open, But...

Subject:     Fw: Order [removed] shipped    

Good morning, Customer Service,

I realize this is only Monday at 12:32 a.m. for you on the east coast, but it seems like forever to me since I received a non-working cell phone.  When I speak into it, the only thing the person on the other end of the call hears is me speaking in a ghastly whisper.  Otherwise the cell phone looks beautiful, dials perfectly--but I cannot be heard!

I look forward to you response.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
[name removed]

*******

*headdesk*

(well, at least the person used interesting adjectives?)

Crazy A$$ Returns #2

This gem was sent in a normal box... but then...

Yes.

You're seeing right.

This was wrapped in a baby's skirt O__o

I didn't even wanna touch it. Eww.

Happy Friday folks :P

Hooked on Phonics?

This one of those emails I had to re-read a few times.

*******
Subject:     cell phone

I recived a non working cell phone .if you had told me that it didn?t work I would not have wasted my time.I will now have to buy one from a virison store because I cant be without my phone.I would like a full refund fore this misledding imfo about your cellphone.

*******

...yeah. What they said.

Creepy Foreign Guys are the Worst :/

Customer: Deena! Most beautiful lady! Did you get my return?
Me: Umm, and you are...?
Customer: [name edited]! Don't you remember me?
Me: Ah yes, of course! [of course I did. He was a pain in my ass since before he'd even RECEIVED his damn phone] You're inquiring about your return?
Customer: according to the tracking number, you guys received it yesterday!
Me: Oh, I'm processing returns today, so---
Customer: [cuts me off] you said you would call me as soon as you got it! Why you not call me? I was looking forward to hearing your beautiful voice. You sound tired today, did you get enough sleep? I'm just kidding, you beautiful lady who sounds like she had a good breakfast
Me:....uh, uh....
Customer: yes, yes. So when will it be processed?
Me: ...I'm processing returns today. I'll email you when it's done.
Customer: Thank you Deena! You are the most beautiful lady! God bless you, I shall hear from you soon, yes?
Me:...yeah, I'll email you when your return is processed.
Customer: Thank you! [says something in what sounds like French and hangs up]
 

Which Way Did it Go, George?

Customer: How do you place an order online?
Me: You find the phone model you're looking for, click add to cart and then select checkout.
Customer: This phones doesn;t have an "Add to Cart" button.
Me: Oh? Then it might be out of stock [side note: this happens sometimes]. Which model is it?
Customer: The Palm Cetro 690

[I looked up the model on the website]

Me: This item is in stock. I just clicked on the page, and there's the big, green "Add to Cart" button, right under the price.
Customer: I don't see it!
Me: What browser are you using, IE?
Customer: NO, mozilla firefox.
Me: That's weird, I'm using Firefox too... and I see the button.
Customer: well, it's not here on mine!
Me: Perhaps you might try refreshing your page.
Customer: Huh? How do I do that?
Me:...
Customer: oh! I got it! THERE it is! Thanks for your help!


*****

At least this one had the grace to sound embarrased.

From CS Rep to Postal Agent?

Customer: I want to know when I'm getting my phone.
Me: May I have your order number---
Customer [cuts me off]: I mailed a money order on Friday to you. When will you get it?
Me: Umm, what?
Customer [with an attitude]: when will you get the money order?
Me: Uh, ma'am, I don't know when we'll get it.
Customer: Why not?
Me: Because I don't know where you're sending it from, or how many stamps you used. First class mail can take up to 4-5 business days to reach its destination
Customer: But you're supposed to know!
Me [losing patience]: Ma'am. Once we receive your money order, we'll email you to let you know when your item is shipping.
Customer: but how long will it take?
Me: However long---- it'll take about 5 business days.
Customer: I don't know why it's taking so long. Thanks. [hangs up]

[here comes the rant]

First off, I'm NOT the post office, OK? I have no control over how long it takes for something to reach here. Secondly, if you were so concerned about how long this was going to take, you should have paid with a credit card.

Gahh. Mondays! >__<

Murderous Customer Service Agents? (I Can Dig it!)

This email is on an unusual note; this one was in response to a customer asking if she could return her merchandise after the 30 day return policy was up. She had received authorization about a week before, so I had no problem accepting it back. I emailed her to give the go-ahead and got this as a reply:


******************************

----- Original Message -----
From: [Crazy Customer]
Subject: Re:

thank you so much. This just proves that though there are some murdering criminals out there there still are some good people. Thanks a billion


**********************************

...better than no thank you at all, I suppose.

Crazy A$$ Returns #1

This was a return I received last year. I don't manually process returns like I used to (they finally realized I didn't have the time to do so anymore...) I just paper push 'em now ;)

Back in the day (luckily for you!) I took pictures of returns wrapped up/shipped in odd things.

This return isn't quite of of those.

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. I have two pictures.

...Yeah.

We require the RMA # to be written on the box the phones are SHIPPED BACK TO US IN, not on the box the phone's in. This happens all the time (as people misunderstand it... I thought it was self explanatory. Heh. I should have known better) but this one... really? I had to take a picture of it... and I'm so glad I did, now ^__^

Enjoy, and have a good weekend!

What's the Difference?

Customer: I need to return a phone I just received.
Me: No problem. What is the issue you're having with the item?
Customer: The memory card don't fit.
me: Oh? Hmm. What model phone do you have?
Customer: The Moto KRZR for AT&T. {It was really unlocked for all GSM carriers, but that is neither here nor there...}
Me: Well, the phone uses a Micro SD card; if you try to use a regular size SD card, it won't fit because-----
Customer [cuts me off]: But AT&T said all memory cards were the same size! The manual says the memory card slot is on the side, but the card won't fit! I can't get service without the card fitting, so I need to return the phone.
Me: ...wait a minute. Do you mean the SIM card, ma'am?
Customer: SIM card, memory card; what's the difference?
Me:.... There are several. The SIM card is the life of the phone, and the memory card is to store information like pictures and ringtones. It's also bigger than the memory card this phone uses. If you try to put the SIM in the memory card slot, it won't fit.
Customer [pauses]: Ohhh, ok. So where does this SIM card go?
Me: The manual will tell you exactly where, but it has a designated slot in the back of the phone, in the battery compartment.
Customer: I knew I should have had my husband do this for me. Thanks! [hangs up]
Me: *head desk*

Corruption of Minors and Other Atrocities of the Cell Phone Biz

This is an oldie but goody. We're only open half a day on Fridays, so I usually don't get so many crazy customers. I was looking through emails I'd saved, and came across this one, and knew I had to put this one up! XD Happy Friday!

*****************************

Dear (company name),

Please send the shipping paperwork to ship this phone back. I am upset and distraught about the condition the item was received it. It works fine and all, but there is PORN on it!!!!! On the home screen when you turn on the phone is a naked woman in a provocative position. and there is marijuana pictures; I mean pictures of pot on a table all cut up, people smoking it, etc!!! Unacceptable. As a christian I am highly offended by this images. this item was for my 14 year old son. I’m glad I checked it before I gave it to him!!!!!! How can you sell your phones like this; don;t you people clean them out>??? Please replay asap or I will report you to the bbb and child services for corruption of minors.

Angry Crazy Customer

What's My Name Again?

Customer: I want to confirm my order went through last night.
Me: OK, so you don't have an order number, correct?
Customer: yes, that's right.
Me: Alright, what's your name sir?
Customer: Kelly

[I waited for the rest of the name for like 10 seconds]

Me: ...OK, what's your last name?
Customer: Kelly
Me:...err, what's your first name?
Customer: Kelly, uh, Martin

[I look up the name in my system; no hits]

Me: Sir, there are no customers with your name in my system... how do you spell your last name?
Customer: K-E-L-L-E-Y
Me: Ohh, OK, let me see...


[I look up the revised name, still no hits.]

Me: Customer, are you certain you purchased this from [my company's name]?
Customer: [pauses] Isn't this [says another website]
Me: No sir, this is [my company's name]
Customer: Oh. [hangs up]

I wish I made these things up :/

Why My Order Was Denied??

 Juuust got this one in this morning!


******************************
Subject: why my order was denied

Just curious as to why my order was denied. The funds are there i would really like
an explanation. Thank you

******************************

Here's the response I wish I could write:

Dear Customer:

Your payment was denied because you're a broke motherfucker. Seeing that this is the case, I can understand why you would want to purchase a used/refurbished phone from my company.

In my humble opinion, I am GLAD your order was denied. You seem like one of those really annoying customers who will end up emailing after you get your phone asking me how to use it, or why your SIM card doesn't fit when you ordered a Verizon phone (!).

So! This worked out for the better, I assure you.

When you get some money, I suggest hiking out to whomever your service provider is and getting a "free" phone from them and getting locked into a two year contract so I (hopefully) never have to see you order from us again.

Thanks!

Deena

I'm a Lazy Shit. Can You Put My Order Through?

Customer: How do you place an order online?
Me: You go to the website, select the phone you want to purchase---
Customer: I’m too lazy; can I order over the phone with you?
Me: ...Yeah.

Seriously? How much energy does it take to do a couple of clicks? >__<

The Highest Praise, the Finest Women/Men

This little gem isn't stupid per se, but it is pretty funny!

Backstory: They emailed to ask about getting a user guide. I directed them to one online.

*****************************

Re: FEEDBACK: Order [order number removed]: owners manual

Thank you so much! You are indeed a gentelman/lady, a scholar, a person of high repute, well renowned in the community as a leader, a judge
of good liquor and fine women/men.

Regards,

[customer name removed]

No Sex in Your (Email)?

This series of emails was the inspiration for this blog.

They had me and my co-worker crying with laughter. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as we did.

(Please note that the original spelling/capitalization/grammar/syntax was kept unless clarification was truly needed.But hell, these imperfections add to the hilarity, so I didn't change a thing in this one :P)

**************

Subject: Brought same phone 3 times

Greetings

 Feb 24th 2010 I went on line and ordered a Blackberry 8130 Pearl. i TRIED TO ORDER ON MY CHECKING ACCOUNT GOT SWITCHED TO pAYPAL AND DID NOT GET A CONFIRMATION # SO WENT TO MY CHECKING ACCOUNT NO CONFIRMATION # THEN GOOGLE GAVE ME ONE. THIS 6 am I found a $25.00 on my checking account. Now I have paid out $444.00 for the same phone. So  I tried to call your customer service number a number of times #2 #5 # 0 and was  told to  leave a message. Well no responce. So If let this go and return 2 phones it is a restocking fee of $100.60.

This error came about on the internet not be able to get a confirmation number and  I can not reach anyone in customer service. No one on the phones---Are you still in business?. I am going to call the bank and let them know and see what  help that do to help me and try that way. Then I have to talk to my Verzon and see if they can help me. Needless to say with no one taking of this problem is bad customer relations on your part by not answering the phone. Nor do you have an answering phone that will accept and give confirmation that your even concerned to learn of my problem.

 My cart shows one phone not three. However there may be three different carts

 Thank you

**********

Mind you, this email was sent on a SUNDAY, when our office hours are clearly stated (we’re open mon-fri and close early on Fridays) in the automated system when you call in (not to mention our restocking fee is 20%, so it wouldn't have been that much at all...). Luckily, we saw the triple order and had out two of them on hold. After reading this email, I canceled two of them and replied back:

Subject: Re: Brought same phone 3 times

Dear Customer:

The extra two orders were already canceled and refunded.

Thank you,
Customer Service

Then I get this gem of a reply within 10 minutes of replying:

GREETINGS

 This has all been computer generated and seems that all is going to work itself out.  However you have a phone service which I called several times.  This is like making love with no kissing or forplay.  Really very upsetting to call in on several numbers and get no response and the problem all came about when I could not get confirmation regarding my ordering on the internet.  If you phone works for anytime at all and all is well you will benefit a great deal from me.  However do get a better way of answering your phone service.  Like thank you ever so much for calling and do trust us and our system for we have cut down on amount of employee's and use the generated automatic systems of email etc to better serve you.  Cutting down our overhead allows us to give you our customer a better price and quality product.  Thank you for your patience and please continue to trust us and our quality service.

 No more of this sexual type way of doing business without the kissing and foreplay.

 Thanks again and may God continue to bless your electronics

Just a Human Being

Crazy Ass Customer

FYI will let you know how this service works out [company name edited].  Brought a phone on the internet and found that my bank account was down $444.00 for a $139.99 purchase.  Phone is needed for my job duties and WOW what an experience.  However if this all works out I will give this company an excellent rating and recommendation.  Thanks everyone and have a great day and my God continue to bless you human being friends around the world.

 ******

There were no words for this one…. Just laughter XD