I Want ALL Me Money Back!!

Yes, it's been awhile... not to worry, I have been saving up stuff for the site! I have some dowtime at work right now, so I can post more often (yayyyy!)

For today's gem: a two hour email volley!

**************


Subject: Order shipped

HI I ordered a cell phone almost 2 weeks ago. I still haven't recieved my phone, it says it is in New York again, and I am in Chicago.  I tracked it and it was at post office in chicago a few days ago, I just want to know whats going on if i dont get my phone in a few days i  want a refund!!!!!!!!!!! Im very pissed off and I will not tell anyone to get phones from you guys!

*****

Dear customer:

According to the tracking information, USPS had a problem with your address, so the item is being mailed back to us. Once we receive it, we will issue a refund.

Thank you,

Customer Service


*****

Subject: Re: Order shipped

Cant you just resend it to me? My address again is 1930 w 183rd st Unit 2 Homewood IL 60430.   What was the problem with my address?

*****

Dear customer:

We are not certain; that's the information USPS said about the tracking number. We'll know more once we receive the package back.

If you want it reshipped, there is a fee for this, as we sent it to the address as you confirmed.

Thank you,

Customer Service

*****

Subject: Re: Order shipped

That is bullshit no i dont want you to send me the phone im not paying for anything else i want my money back and im calling the Better Business Bureau  and reporting this!!! I think this is a scam, i better get ALL me money back get rid of all my information!!! I knew i shouldn't have trusted you guys enough to send you money!!! I am very pissed off and i am going to write things all over the Internet and tell people how you guys are just a big scam!!!!!! Oh and I get things sent to my house from the internet all the time so there is nothing wrong with my address i think that is part of your scam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You will be receiving emails from me untill i get ALL my money back!!!!!!!!! And ill be calling!!!! 

***************

The customer called (of course!) shortly thereafter... turns out she transposed the numbers in her street address.... luckily for her it wasn't an address that existed and they sent it back to us. She ended up paying the re-ship fee and I haven't heard from her since *whew*

I'll Make an Offer I Might Refuse...

In our eBay store, we accept user-submitted offers for our phones. We mostly get reasonable offers (~$5 of the Buy it Now price). One time I got a $100 offer on a phone we were selling for $150. The customer calls us up.

Customer: I made an offer and I'd like to cancel it please?

Me: OK, no problem. Do you have the item number? [she gives me the number and I look up the item.] Oh, the phone is for $150, so we wouldn't have accepted that offer anyway.

Customer: Yeah? Well, the offer I made was too high... I wanted to put $10, but I typed an extra zero by mistake

Me: ....I see. Well, we only take up to $5 less than the asking price for our offers.

Customer: Then why bother to have the option to make an offer if tou won't accept mine??!?

Me:....

...yeah. The standard caliber of our customers, no surprise there right?

But we got this note in an offer recently I thought I might share:

Offer price: US $54.00 [The phone was for $74.99]

Message to seller: warning!!!!!!!!! I may decide I don't want this phone! Can you extend the time of when it delays? If I do decide I want one I may not have the money at that time but, I could get it soon.


Really?

Really?!??

If you don't have the money, don't bid. I understand shit happens (hell, I've personally had to retract offers on eBay 'cause I was broke) but stating up front that you might not have the money/want the phone? Even if they would have made a reasonable offer, we would have declined it based on the note alone.

What a dope.

Serrious Problems

Hey!

It's been a few days.... it's been really hectic at work. Luckily for you guys, I have a whole new collection of crazies to add to the site!

Look at an email from this numbskull:

Dear [eBay seller],

look here asshole, you have plenty... you will fucking accept selling 2 of them 2 me for 99.00 each, or i'll have your goddamn green card, do you fucking understand? I hold your future in my hands because I pay taxes unlike you, fucking camel jockey. I ought to make you fucking GIVE me the phones because of that... 25.00 wont kill you, fucker. that's your only option. you WILL accept the price i offered, no more. do you understand english?

- [dumbass customer]

***************

[if you didn't catch it, the title of this post was misspelled on purpose :P]

We're selling the phones for $150 each on eBay.

Seriously? After getting an email like this, what seller WOULDN'T want to accept this awesome offer? We should be HONORED; no, PRIVILEGED to serve such an upstanding pillar of the community.

We ignored this crazy ass customer... and thought that was the end of it.

Umm, nope.

***************

Dear [eBay Seller],

so have you come to a conclusion? you gonna FUCKING give me the blackberries? my final offer is 25.00 a piece, and i expect it to be accepted. if not, you're gonna have some serrious goddamn problems.... you fucking understand me? im tired of you fucking sand niggers trying to run my country, thanks to you, tobacco prices are up as well as shitty car lots.... you fucking owe me... you got that? actualy, i expect 2 free blackberries, one red and one silver. email me and ill give you my shipping address... and no fucking letter bombs or anthrax, camel jockey...

***************

What I wish I could say:

Dear asshole:

Not only am I not accepting your offer (again), I've reported your sorry ass to eBay. I hear they don't take kindly to such behavior from people, and perhaps that's for the best. Sand nigger? Really? Well, I guess you're kind of close, as the bsuiness is owned by Jews.... but what is one nationality, race or another to an ignorant redneck like you? In regards to understanding English (please note the capitalization there!) I seem to have a better grasp of it than you do----and guess what? I'm a Black Hispanic woman! You must be floored by the news huh? I have to wonder what the Middle East has to do with tobacco and used car lots? I'm genuinely stumped by that. Don't tell me: it's a new terrorist plot! They'll open up used car lots and burn tobacco fields---that'll show those evil Americans! *eye roll*

Since we're spitting out slurs and stereotypes, why don't you go back to fucking your sister and drinking moonshine in your trailer? Perhaps the internet really isn't the best place for you after all. I would go back to shooting deer or possums for sport.

It's people like you that give America a bad name. It makes me ashamed to be a  citizen of this country, to think that you and I have the same rights! What justice is there in this world??

But I digress.

You're lucky I don't put your sorry ass on blast here (i.e your eBay username).

You're despicable, deplorable, and just plain dumb.

Have a nice life, asshole.

Murderous Customer Service Agents? (I Can Dig it!)

This email is on an unusual note; this one was in response to a customer asking if she could return her merchandise after the 30 day return policy was up. She had received authorization about a week before, so I had no problem accepting it back. I emailed her to give the go-ahead and got this as a reply:


******************************

----- Original Message -----
From: [Crazy Customer]
Subject: Re:

thank you so much. This just proves that though there are some murdering criminals out there there still are some good people. Thanks a billion


**********************************

...better than no thank you at all, I suppose.

Corruption of Minors and Other Atrocities of the Cell Phone Biz

This is an oldie but goody. We're only open half a day on Fridays, so I usually don't get so many crazy customers. I was looking through emails I'd saved, and came across this one, and knew I had to put this one up! XD Happy Friday!

*****************************

Dear (company name),

Please send the shipping paperwork to ship this phone back. I am upset and distraught about the condition the item was received it. It works fine and all, but there is PORN on it!!!!! On the home screen when you turn on the phone is a naked woman in a provocative position. and there is marijuana pictures; I mean pictures of pot on a table all cut up, people smoking it, etc!!! Unacceptable. As a christian I am highly offended by this images. this item was for my 14 year old son. I’m glad I checked it before I gave it to him!!!!!! How can you sell your phones like this; don;t you people clean them out>??? Please replay asap or I will report you to the bbb and child services for corruption of minors.

Angry Crazy Customer

The Highest Praise, the Finest Women/Men

This little gem isn't stupid per se, but it is pretty funny!

Backstory: They emailed to ask about getting a user guide. I directed them to one online.

*****************************

Re: FEEDBACK: Order [order number removed]: owners manual

Thank you so much! You are indeed a gentelman/lady, a scholar, a person of high repute, well renowned in the community as a leader, a judge
of good liquor and fine women/men.

Regards,

[customer name removed]